In just a few short days, Battle for Azeroth, World of Warcraft’s seventh expansion, will launch, and the ensuing faction war between the Horde and Alliance already has former players back in the game’s clutches. With declarations of faction allegiance spreading across social media like wildfire, no ex-player is safe from the bi-yearly siren call of a new expansion.
This is going to be it, they all think. This is the time they’ll really return to the world of Warcraft, they tell themselves, knowing damn well they won’t make it past the three-month mark.
Lucy, a senior in college, will be entering BFA solo. Although she tells herself that she will find a hardcore raiding guild this time around, Lucy knows that her future holds nothing but copious amounts of group finder and a cancelled subscription as soon as she runs out of gold for WoW tokens.
"It's customary that I play each new expansion for a few months just to make sure the game still isn't as fun as it used to be," she explained. "My disappointment grows more palpable each year, and I can't wait."
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Jill, a 42-year-old WoW veteran who quickly abandoned her human priest in Suramar last expansion after realizing the reward for hitting max level was perpetual questing and even more time spent pandering to magical drug addicts, says she is prepared to commit to Battle for Azeroth.
“I've tried and failed to commit to every expansion after Wrath of the Lich King, but this time is going to be different," said Jill, adding that she is relying on her rose-tinted nostalgia for WoW's earliest iterations to carry her through at least two months of BfA.
"It'll be a challenge since I'll be able to master my spec's three button rotation in about a day, leaving the acquisition of gear that will become obsolete every other month as my only motiviation to play, but I'm hoping that my never-ending quest to collect Mimiron's Head will keep me going for awhile," explained Jill. "Running Ulduar each week will remind me of how good the game used to be and reignite my yearning for that period of my life."
Her former guildmates, all of whom quit mid-Warlords of Draenor, are allegedly returning for good, but six expansions' worth of playtime has taught her that getting the band back together never works.
"I expect we'll fall apart shortly after the release of the first raid tier, so... about five weeks in? I'll keep you updated," said Jill.
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Jack, who resubbed for the BfA pre-patch, has managed to rope his unsuspecting colleagues into playing World of Warcraft for the first time. He says he took only two days off of work for the launch of Legion, but asked for three days this time around.
“I'm optimistic. It’s just enough time to level to 120 and explore the new zones with my friends before our mutual free-time disappears and we all slowly drift away from the game, leaving our subscriptions to auto-renew for months as we make empty promise after empty promise to get back into it," Jack explained.
"I’m really looking forward to those few days of early expansion bliss before the monotony of the grind; the fleeting significance of end-game content; and, the inescapable loneliness of human existence become reality," he continued.
Once Jack quits, he will return to Hearthstone, and intends to live vicariously through the flavor of the month streamers who will soon descend upon the WoW community.
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The above content is satirical. Battle for Azeroth launches on August 14. Enjoy the expansion!
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